exili permanent

En una de les primeres entrades d’aquest  blog irregular explicava que emigràvem a Suïssa (aquí). La promesa d’un contracte de recerca era la única opció de futur per a un present més aviat incert. Fet i fet, acaba sent imprescindible arribar a final de mes. Ara ja fa un poc més d’un any que hi sóm, aquí on vam marxar. Les coses s’assemblen bastant a uns llimbs endreçadets: no hi fa massa fred, ni massa calor, no hi ha manifestacions ni queixes, els sous arriben a final de mes. El pais és generós en tràmits burocràtics, però les cartes arriben al seu destí. Tot està ben endreçat i, malgrat que enyoro la teca, la gent, i el ritme de vida, res està fora de lloc.

És cert que trobo a faltar visceralitat d’aquella Barcelona de fa uns anys que a poc a poc, amb una constància admirable, sense escanyar però sense amollar, han aconseguit extingir. Enyoro l’efervescència cultural i la sensació de llibertat que a vegades hi trobava. Matèria per la inspiració. Però si encara fos a Barcelona potser no les sabria trobar, aquestes coses, atrafegat per la feina i la falta de diners  i els maldecaps pels imprevistos i la precarietat acumulada. Potser ni tan sols existeixen, ja, aquestes coses, laminades per un allau excessiu de gent curta de mires obsedida en aprovar normatives per a respondre al pànic d’estar-se plegada de mans sense fer res en el despatx que la magnitud  de la seva incompetència els ha regalat.

Pot ser que tan sols sigui que em sento un poc cansat, avui. Potser si. Fa poc més d’un any semblava que érem part d’una nova fornada d’emigrants, amb massa diplomes per a trobar feina a casa nostra. Ara ha passat un any, i tothom ens diu que vam triar el millor que hauríem pogut fer. Potser tenen raó, pero tampoc és gaire important. Fet i fet, no hi havia cap altra opció damunt la taula, i a més tant fa, tot això ja tan sols és part del passat. Però obro un diari qualsevol, a quasi qualsevol pàgina, i no puc evitar sospitar que caldrà veure passar temps, molt de temps, abans que aquest passat deixi d’atrapar-nos. Potser tot això acabarà sent un exili permanent.

És una mica trist sentir que pertanys a un lloc on no hi caps.


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